Dear mom,
One thing I've always respected was your marriage with dad. That has changed now that I'm older but I know I was one of the "lucky ones". Blessed to have both my parents, married for 33 years. Two-parent homes are supposed to be awesome, right?
When you "suggested" that I get married I felt it was the best way to make you happy and be a real family - father, mother, child - like you and dad. Of course I already had a child, was 18, and would have rather gone to Berklee College of Music. I wanted to do right by you because I felt I messed up. Besides you told me that going off to school would leave my daughter without her mother. Yet once I got married you thought it best that I live with my husband and my daughter stay with you. (That's another subject for another letter)
The day I walked down the aisle I didn't think it was what I should be doing, but I had to go with the plan. The wedding that I had nothing to do with except picking the colors and the song. The wedding that I was over an hour late for. The "special" day when the ring got stuck on my ex- husband's finger and we had to go to the emergency room.
My marriage was a disaster from the start.
You kept telling me marriages go through things and what went on in my marriage was between him and me. My pathetic need to gain your approval agreed with you without putting up much of a fight. All it led to was being in a mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive relationship for 8 years. The first 2 to 3 years weren't totally bad, but after that it was an utter nightmare. I would come to you with the busted lips and bloody noses.
Your first question would be, "What did you do to him?" Do you remember? Can you see where my tooth tore through my lip. I still have the scar to prove it. When you close your eyes can you see how I cried to you all those times? I needed your help and I needed more than you telling me that 'things would get better but I had to stick in there'.
It took me a very destructive marriage to put into perspective what you could be hiding in your marriage. You always did tell me, "Keep your business to yourself". Did your marriage have rough patches? Have you gone through "things". 33 years is a long time. It took me less time to get out of my cell of a marriage, ironically that was something that seemed to piss you off.
Wouldn't you, as a mother, want me to have a healthy relationship without violence? Wouldn't you want to take me out of that situation? I don't know about you, but I wish a man would lay a hand on any of my daughters. The fact that you still have a relationship with that monster irks me tremendously.
My ex-husband and I are not you and dad, and I honestly do not wish to be like you two. And I also do not wish to be with my ex-husband. Nor do I agree with or accept your on-going relationship with a man who is, even to this day, mentally messing with me.
Your actions are so childish and I honestly don't get it. There is no logic for why you do the things you do to me. Sometimes I wonder if you told me about the rough patches because you wanted me to be punished. That seems very probable.
You will never confirm nor deny the things you were responsible for and had a hand in. It's okay though. Being in such a harmful situation let me know what I would want once I got out of it. I have a more definitive perspective on what I need in a husband. I already know what NOT to do.
Would be glad to give you a list.
Until then,
Your daughter
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Friday, November 23, 2012
Tired
Dear mom,
These years have been rough. Only Allah knows what you've been through, he also knows what I've been through. None of us can hide from Him. However, you always come off as if you will not be held accountable. Or is it that you feel that certain things cancel out other things?
Our tornado-style relationship has gotten to a point that I decided I was done. Finished. Kaput. I no longer want anything else to do with the rage broiling inside of us. It became physically impossible for me to give a damn.
Mom, I'm tired.
Many times I've told you I wasn't arguing. So many times I asked you what your issue was with me. Countless moments wondering what was on your mind. Guaranteed moments of misunderstanding and frustration. I'm over it.
This is healing I can only do with you and since you can't quite cooperate longer than 5 minutes I started without you. You never allow me to tell you what I've been feeling and I need to get it out calmly.
I'm so tired of not getting along. Tired of your constant need to control my life. Tired of your opinions that have no leverage in my way of thinking. So damn tired of the high pedestal that you want me to reach, even though I've fallen short numerous times. And definitely tired of that disgusted look you give me when you think I'm not looking.
Aren't you ready to cleanse and build in the time we have left in this world? Neither of us know when our time is coming. I'm already tired, so when I close my eyes for the last time I want to go knowing that I gave every possible intention to honor my mother.
Until then,
Your daughter
These years have been rough. Only Allah knows what you've been through, he also knows what I've been through. None of us can hide from Him. However, you always come off as if you will not be held accountable. Or is it that you feel that certain things cancel out other things?
Our tornado-style relationship has gotten to a point that I decided I was done. Finished. Kaput. I no longer want anything else to do with the rage broiling inside of us. It became physically impossible for me to give a damn.
Mom, I'm tired.
Many times I've told you I wasn't arguing. So many times I asked you what your issue was with me. Countless moments wondering what was on your mind. Guaranteed moments of misunderstanding and frustration. I'm over it.
This is healing I can only do with you and since you can't quite cooperate longer than 5 minutes I started without you. You never allow me to tell you what I've been feeling and I need to get it out calmly.
I'm so tired of not getting along. Tired of your constant need to control my life. Tired of your opinions that have no leverage in my way of thinking. So damn tired of the high pedestal that you want me to reach, even though I've fallen short numerous times. And definitely tired of that disgusted look you give me when you think I'm not looking.
Aren't you ready to cleanse and build in the time we have left in this world? Neither of us know when our time is coming. I'm already tired, so when I close my eyes for the last time I want to go knowing that I gave every possible intention to honor my mother.
Until then,
Your daughter
Super Ugly
Dear mom,
Growing up, anytime I would do something wrong you said it was "Acting ugly". Almost all the time I heard that I was being ugly or ugly acting. If I said anything "disrespectful", I was being "ugly". The word was also used by so many hateful people in my life about the way I looked - my awkward shape and unmanageable hair. So my actions and my looks became synonymous with each other. I felt and believed I was ugly.
When you are told something enough, it is programmed inside your mind. It reveals itself even when it is unnecessary to come out. Being "ugly" made me hate myself and in turn do things to myself that caused more damage. I was living up to a lie - that I was in fact ugly and unworthy of "pretty" things.
You watched my recklessness, all the while subtly coaching me to hate myself. My problem was, and still is, that I always was who I was. Even when I was trying to be someone else I managed to still show my real feelings and qualities. I used to hate, hate, hate myself and every time I tried to give myself a chance, something else happened to make me hate myself even more.
How does it make you feel knowing that my self hatred started with you? I never thought I was worthy of your love. I always thought I was too ugly. Too flawed. Too broken. Too much of a problem to handle. At least that is how it was portrayed to me.
You'll tell me I don't know what I'm talking about. You'll even tell me I'm kidding myself and imagined the whole thing. Tell me something. Who on earth wants to imagine and create a life with as much chaos and turmoil as mine? Who in their right mind would pretend to go through so many negative and hurtful things? Truth be told, if I could go back there would be so many things I would have avoided. However, you can't change the past and I'm thankful for that.
It took me almost my whole life up until this point to think and believe, with a slither of doubt, that I was actual quite beautiful - in my actions and my appearance. Not because people have told me so but because that's how I feel about me. It took a while to get there, but I did. No help from you of course, but you know what, it's quite all right.
Ugly Duckling syndrome is a hard case to deal with especially if it's deeply rooted in one's subconscious. And while I know now that I am indeed a swan, my beauty was inside me the whole time just awaiting my recognition and no one else's opinion would matter.
Can you imagine the type of growth I've made?
Until then,
Your daughter
Growing up, anytime I would do something wrong you said it was "Acting ugly". Almost all the time I heard that I was being ugly or ugly acting. If I said anything "disrespectful", I was being "ugly". The word was also used by so many hateful people in my life about the way I looked - my awkward shape and unmanageable hair. So my actions and my looks became synonymous with each other. I felt and believed I was ugly.
When you are told something enough, it is programmed inside your mind. It reveals itself even when it is unnecessary to come out. Being "ugly" made me hate myself and in turn do things to myself that caused more damage. I was living up to a lie - that I was in fact ugly and unworthy of "pretty" things.
You watched my recklessness, all the while subtly coaching me to hate myself. My problem was, and still is, that I always was who I was. Even when I was trying to be someone else I managed to still show my real feelings and qualities. I used to hate, hate, hate myself and every time I tried to give myself a chance, something else happened to make me hate myself even more.
How does it make you feel knowing that my self hatred started with you? I never thought I was worthy of your love. I always thought I was too ugly. Too flawed. Too broken. Too much of a problem to handle. At least that is how it was portrayed to me.
You'll tell me I don't know what I'm talking about. You'll even tell me I'm kidding myself and imagined the whole thing. Tell me something. Who on earth wants to imagine and create a life with as much chaos and turmoil as mine? Who in their right mind would pretend to go through so many negative and hurtful things? Truth be told, if I could go back there would be so many things I would have avoided. However, you can't change the past and I'm thankful for that.
It took me almost my whole life up until this point to think and believe, with a slither of doubt, that I was actual quite beautiful - in my actions and my appearance. Not because people have told me so but because that's how I feel about me. It took a while to get there, but I did. No help from you of course, but you know what, it's quite all right.
Ugly Duckling syndrome is a hard case to deal with especially if it's deeply rooted in one's subconscious. And while I know now that I am indeed a swan, my beauty was inside me the whole time just awaiting my recognition and no one else's opinion would matter.
Can you imagine the type of growth I've made?
Until then,
Your daughter
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Control
Dear mom,
When I started writing these letters I thought I was ready to tell the story. I thought I was prepared to finally let everything go. I thought I was at the point where I could move on with my life, with or without your blessing, I thought I had finally taken control.
I was so wrong.
Time lapsed between letters and there are only five to account for. A truly measly number for the amount of turmoil that has gone on. What's worse is I honestly wanted to just get it all off my chest. It's hard, however, to do that when you have a mother like you.
You have had such a mental control over me. Even though we are never really around each other anymore, your views live on. Your voice lives on - inside my head. "Don't you air your dirty laundry. Don't you tell anyone how you really feel," is what I hear. Sometimes it whispers and sometimes it screams.
I've pretended for years that you didn't have control over me. I fought it and quite frankly, I lost. Even if I won the battle, I lost the war. All you ever needed me to do was flinch and you knew you had me right where you wanted me.
I always flinched, afraid of my next move. That was always the only distraction you needed to hatch some plot or plan to further ruin my life. And I let you, always becoming the scared little girl that you have been able to take advantage of.
Me and you always fought over the keys to my life and all it's done is make us strangers to one another. It has brewed so many negative emotions and actions. It's so sad what our relationship is, was and will be.
I love you because you are my mother. You conceived me and raised me. And if it weren't for your noticeable disdain for me, I wouldn't be half the woman I am today. You have always wanted me to fit your mold but I've never quite been who you wished I was.
Here's the thing: I will always be me, whether you approve or not. And I'm not half bad contrary to the disappointment I am to you. You may think my mistakes in life make me dirty and that's fine. I believe my flaws and mistakes make me better because of it all.
For a long time I blamed myself for everything even your unhappiness with me. I allowed myself to be engulfed with what you would think of me. Even up until this letter, you still had the control where I cared what you thought.
Even though I thought I was ready before, I know now that I wasn't. There were certain things that scared me to share. And however I feel, I don't ever want to be disrespectful or dishonorable. I just want to be honest - for my sake and the sake of so many other women and girls out there.
For that reason I am finally taking control from you. You DO NOT decide anything that goes on in my life. Your job is done. I am grown and proud of who I have become and am becoming. I would love for you to be proud, but I know that is highly unlikely. It's hard to support someone when you are the subject in which they need to get rid of in order to grow.
Can you feel your power weakening?
Until then,
Your daughter
When I started writing these letters I thought I was ready to tell the story. I thought I was prepared to finally let everything go. I thought I was at the point where I could move on with my life, with or without your blessing, I thought I had finally taken control.
I was so wrong.
Time lapsed between letters and there are only five to account for. A truly measly number for the amount of turmoil that has gone on. What's worse is I honestly wanted to just get it all off my chest. It's hard, however, to do that when you have a mother like you.
You have had such a mental control over me. Even though we are never really around each other anymore, your views live on. Your voice lives on - inside my head. "Don't you air your dirty laundry. Don't you tell anyone how you really feel," is what I hear. Sometimes it whispers and sometimes it screams.
I've pretended for years that you didn't have control over me. I fought it and quite frankly, I lost. Even if I won the battle, I lost the war. All you ever needed me to do was flinch and you knew you had me right where you wanted me.
I always flinched, afraid of my next move. That was always the only distraction you needed to hatch some plot or plan to further ruin my life. And I let you, always becoming the scared little girl that you have been able to take advantage of.
Me and you always fought over the keys to my life and all it's done is make us strangers to one another. It has brewed so many negative emotions and actions. It's so sad what our relationship is, was and will be.
I love you because you are my mother. You conceived me and raised me. And if it weren't for your noticeable disdain for me, I wouldn't be half the woman I am today. You have always wanted me to fit your mold but I've never quite been who you wished I was.
Here's the thing: I will always be me, whether you approve or not. And I'm not half bad contrary to the disappointment I am to you. You may think my mistakes in life make me dirty and that's fine. I believe my flaws and mistakes make me better because of it all.
For a long time I blamed myself for everything even your unhappiness with me. I allowed myself to be engulfed with what you would think of me. Even up until this letter, you still had the control where I cared what you thought.
Even though I thought I was ready before, I know now that I wasn't. There were certain things that scared me to share. And however I feel, I don't ever want to be disrespectful or dishonorable. I just want to be honest - for my sake and the sake of so many other women and girls out there.
For that reason I am finally taking control from you. You DO NOT decide anything that goes on in my life. Your job is done. I am grown and proud of who I have become and am becoming. I would love for you to be proud, but I know that is highly unlikely. It's hard to support someone when you are the subject in which they need to get rid of in order to grow.
Can you feel your power weakening?
Until then,
Your daughter
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