Control

Dear mom,

When I started writing these letters I thought I was ready to tell the story. I thought I was prepared to finally let everything go. I thought I was at the point where I could move on with my life, with or without your blessing, I thought I had finally taken control.

I was so wrong.

Time lapsed between letters and there are only five to account for. A truly measly number for the amount of turmoil that has gone on. What's worse is I honestly wanted to just get it all off my chest. It's hard, however, to do that when you have a mother like you.

You have had such a mental control over me. Even though we are never really around each other anymore, your views live on. Your voice lives on - inside my head. "Don't you air your dirty laundry. Don't you tell anyone how you really feel," is what I hear. Sometimes it whispers and sometimes it screams.

I've pretended for years that you didn't have control over me. I fought it and quite frankly, I lost. Even if I won the battle, I lost the war. All you ever needed me to do was flinch and you knew you had me right where you wanted me.

I always flinched, afraid of my next move. That was always the only distraction you needed to hatch some plot or plan to further ruin my life. And I let you, always becoming the scared little girl that you have been able to take advantage of.

Me and you always fought over the keys to my life and all it's done is make us strangers to one another. It has brewed so many negative emotions and actions. It's so sad what our relationship is, was and will be.

I love you because you are my mother. You conceived me and raised me. And if it weren't for your noticeable disdain for me, I wouldn't be half the woman I am today. You have always wanted me to fit your mold but I've never quite been who you wished I was.

Here's the thing: I will always be me, whether you approve or not. And I'm not half bad contrary to the disappointment I am to you. You may think my mistakes in life make me dirty and that's fine. I believe my flaws and mistakes make me better because of it all.

For a long time I blamed myself for everything even your unhappiness with me. I allowed myself to be engulfed with what you would think of me. Even up until this letter, you still had the control where I cared what you thought.

Even though I thought I was ready before, I know now that I wasn't. There were certain things that scared me to share. And however I feel, I don't ever want to be disrespectful or dishonorable. I just want to be honest - for my sake and the sake of so many other women and girls out there.

For that reason I am finally taking control from you. You DO NOT decide anything that goes on in my life. Your job is done. I am grown and proud of who I have become and am becoming. I would love for you to be proud, but I know that is highly unlikely. It's hard to support someone when you are the subject in which they need to get rid of in order to grow.

Can you feel your power weakening?

Until then,

Your daughter