Super Ugly

Dear mom,

Growing up, anytime I would do something wrong you said it was "Acting ugly". Almost all the time I heard that I was being ugly or ugly acting. If I said anything "disrespectful", I was being "ugly". The word was also used by so many hateful people in my life about the way I looked - my awkward shape and unmanageable hair. So my actions and my looks became synonymous with each other. I felt and believed I was ugly.

When you are told something enough, it is programmed inside your mind. It reveals itself even when it is unnecessary to come out. Being "ugly" made me hate myself and in turn do things to myself that caused more damage. I was living up to a lie - that I was in fact ugly and unworthy of "pretty" things.

You watched my recklessness, all the while subtly coaching me to hate myself. My problem was, and still is, that I always was who I was. Even when I was trying to be someone else I managed to still show my real feelings and qualities. I used to hate, hate, hate myself and every time I tried to give myself a chance, something else happened to make me hate myself even more.

How does it make you feel knowing that my self hatred started with you? I never thought I was worthy of your love. I always thought I was too ugly. Too flawed. Too broken. Too much of a problem to handle. At least that is how it was portrayed to me.

You'll tell me I don't know what I'm talking about. You'll even tell me I'm kidding myself and imagined the whole thing. Tell me something. Who on earth wants to imagine and create a life with as much chaos and turmoil as mine? Who in their right mind would pretend to go through so many negative and hurtful things? Truth be told, if I could go back there would be so many things I would have avoided. However, you can't change the past and I'm thankful for that.

It took me almost my whole life up until this point to think and believe, with a slither of doubt, that I was actual quite beautiful - in my actions and my appearance. Not because people have told me so but because that's how I feel about me. It took a while to get there, but I did. No help from you of course, but you know what, it's quite all right.

Ugly Duckling syndrome is a hard case to deal with especially if it's deeply rooted in one's subconscious. And while I know now that I am indeed a swan, my beauty was inside me the whole time just awaiting my recognition and no one else's opinion would matter.

Can you imagine the type of growth I've made?

Until then,

Your daughter