Dear Mom,
One thing I've noticed in my search of "finding myself" is I have been running from ALL my problems. I mean, I run so hard you would think I am preparing for a marathon. It's almost as if I believe that if I run long and hard enough the problems and fears will melt away. However, that is not the case.
In my constant marathon the issues seem to be right on my tail. And every time I slow down, they are hovering over my head mocking my every move. It's completely frustrating especially in trying to be a better person.
One of the problems I run from is the "beef" between me and you.
I figured if I became more understanding of you and your actions the issues would go away and alleviate themselves. I also assumed that if I played the "nice gal" in certain scenarios it would force you to look at me in a better light instead of this person you have to constantly be at odds with.
Instead it seems like ignoring the issues and concerns has caused them to grow at an alarming rate. Also, I have noticed that you take my kindness as weakness and seem to use it against me. You take things that are going on with me and subtly stab at who I am trying to be by using my past as a weapon.
It is truly agitating that no matter what, you will find a way to make me question myself and cause me to run some more. You're like the people that hold water out during a race; almost like you encourage me to run instead of stand and face the things that haunt me. I taunt myself, wondering if you like me better scared and running for my life.
To be honest, I try my best not to think about what you think of me. I try endlessly to push your perception of me out of my mind. I want to stop running but I am so concerned that you won't like or accept who I become in the end. And while I should totally not worry about what you think, I actually do, which sucks.
My marathon has to come to an end some time. My legs are tired and I am absolutely spent. All I want is to deal with the world head on and leave all my faults behind. Something inside of me would rather you stop assisting the run or leave me be. But I don't know if you're capable of either. Maybe one day.
Until then,
Your daughter
Friday, November 14, 2014
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Dreams That Unlock Reality
Dear Mom,
I had a dream the night before last. Something had happened to my home so the kids and I came to stay with you and dad. You had kicked me out of the house because I didn't see your point of view about something dumb and wouldn't let me see my children. We saw each other in the street and you acted like I didn't exist. Dad would let me in the house when you weren't around to let me see the kids and spend time with them. I was planning a birthday party for one of the children and you walked in. You were furious but before anything could be said, I woke up.
When I awoke I prayed to Allah for strength. The dream shook me so much that I cried without wanting to. The tears flowed on their own and no matter how I tried to stop them, they wouldn't. It was super emotional.
The reason behind the emotion is this dream was actually a reality. Everything that happened within the dream didn't occur in real life but the main parts did. The kicking me out because I didn't agree with what was going on. The not letting me see my children for some time. The seeing me and pretending I didn't exist.
I had stuffed all of this down in my mind never for it to see the light of day. It's one of the worst things that has ever happened to me and the effects of the situation managed to make their way into my world. It had the ability to completely ruin my yesterday but I wouldn't let it.
You know what I did? Even though I felt like my world had shattered all over again, I realized I couldn't allow this painful memory to effect me the way that it did when it happened. I can't afford to be completely depressed and unable to get out of bed especially in front of my children. I can't afford to question all the mistakes I'd ever made and torture myself as if I was worthless especially knowing that I'm worth so much more.
The one thing that gets me is the betrayal I felt from you. In knowing that we still are not at a level of understanding, I think this is what ultimately saddened me. This dream that was once reality needs to be talked about between us either willingly or forcibly with a professional. I want to talk about it but will you ever discuss it with me?
Until then,
Your daughter
I had a dream the night before last. Something had happened to my home so the kids and I came to stay with you and dad. You had kicked me out of the house because I didn't see your point of view about something dumb and wouldn't let me see my children. We saw each other in the street and you acted like I didn't exist. Dad would let me in the house when you weren't around to let me see the kids and spend time with them. I was planning a birthday party for one of the children and you walked in. You were furious but before anything could be said, I woke up.
When I awoke I prayed to Allah for strength. The dream shook me so much that I cried without wanting to. The tears flowed on their own and no matter how I tried to stop them, they wouldn't. It was super emotional.
The reason behind the emotion is this dream was actually a reality. Everything that happened within the dream didn't occur in real life but the main parts did. The kicking me out because I didn't agree with what was going on. The not letting me see my children for some time. The seeing me and pretending I didn't exist.
I had stuffed all of this down in my mind never for it to see the light of day. It's one of the worst things that has ever happened to me and the effects of the situation managed to make their way into my world. It had the ability to completely ruin my yesterday but I wouldn't let it.
You know what I did? Even though I felt like my world had shattered all over again, I realized I couldn't allow this painful memory to effect me the way that it did when it happened. I can't afford to be completely depressed and unable to get out of bed especially in front of my children. I can't afford to question all the mistakes I'd ever made and torture myself as if I was worthless especially knowing that I'm worth so much more.
The one thing that gets me is the betrayal I felt from you. In knowing that we still are not at a level of understanding, I think this is what ultimately saddened me. This dream that was once reality needs to be talked about between us either willingly or forcibly with a professional. I want to talk about it but will you ever discuss it with me?
Until then,
Your daughter
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