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Monday, October 28, 2013

The Signing of My First Book

Dear Mom,

What you did was wrong. Seriously. I honestly can't believe that you would do something like that.

When I brought the book that dad had paid for and asked specifically for me to sign it, he looked so proud. It made me smile that I could give him that kind of feeling. But of course you messed that all up with your selfishness.

When I asked you did you want a book, you were nonchalant about it, saying, "Oh, I can just read the one dad gets." So I took it as such.

As soon as my first book arrived I wrote inside, 'To Dad. I love you. Thank you for supporting me all these years. I hope you are proud." I signed it, with love. But for you to then want me to put your name inside of it was just beyond what you do.

You haven't supported my dreams of being a writer. You've done nothing but tell me how I probably wouldn't make it.

I tried to ignore you insisting that your name be in my book, that dad bought. I changed the subject and everything. Dad put it up, hoping you would forget too. But you didn't. Before I got a chance to leave you forced the pen in my hand and wouldn't let me go until I put Mom inside.

I wanted to tell you about yourself right then and there but I didn't want dad to have to deal with your attitude once I left.

Did you even notice the look on dad's face? Did you even care how he felt? Did you care that I wasn't willing to add your name? Nope, you just wanted what you wanted and could have cared less what the rest of us thought or how we felt. As you do.

What was the point, Mom? so you could bra about how you always were there for me. Please. You've done the most damage to me, but you never see it that way.

It's okay though, because I'm going to give daddy another book that is just for him, signed just to him, as it should have been.

One day you will see your error. Oh, I hope.

Until then,

Your daughter

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Finally Published

Dear Mom,

So, I finally published my first book. But you already knew that. It didn't seem like you were too impressed with my accomplishment. It seemed like you were more appalled with the subject matter.

I know that you always taught me and my sisters to never tell our business and that no one should know what goes on behind closed doors. However, it was so freeing for me to be able to share such a personal part of myself with the world. And it could quite possibly help someone else.

Dad was excited and I expected the same from you. But when you showed no concern to my wonderful news, I wasn't surprised at all. I guess I would have been more shocked if you actually said or acted like you were proud. How could I possibly expect you to step outside of your normal non-caring facial expressions?

Somewhere inside me, though, I really was hoping you would have something nice to say. I was silently hoping you would finally shed the disdain you have for me. I don't know what it will take for that to happen, but I was anticipating that this would be a start.

It rather sucks but I have to be honest with myself that this is you. When it comes to me, you show no emotion to the things I do. It's always odd and amazing how you brag to me about my sisters' accomplishments but I don't even get a "good for you" when I do things.

Do you know how it feels to put your best efforts forward and have a parent totally disregard what you do? Maybe you'll explain it to me one day.

Until then,

Your daughter