Tired

Dear mom,

These years have been rough. Only Allah knows what you've been through, he also knows what I've been through. None of us can hide from Him. However, you always come off as if you will not be held accountable. Or is it that you feel that certain things cancel out other things?

Our tornado-style relationship has gotten to a point that I decided I was done. Finished. Kaput. I no longer want anything else to do with the rage broiling inside of us. It became physically impossible for me to give a damn.

Mom, I'm tired.

Many times I've told you I wasn't arguing. So many times I asked you what your issue was with me. Countless moments wondering what was on your mind. Guaranteed moments of misunderstanding and frustration. I'm over it.

This is healing I can only do with you and since you can't quite cooperate longer than 5 minutes I started without you. You never allow me to tell you what I've been feeling and I need to get it out calmly.

I'm so tired of not getting along. Tired of your constant need to control my life. Tired of your opinions that have no leverage in my way of thinking. So damn tired of the high pedestal that you want me to reach, even though I've fallen short numerous times. And definitely tired of that disgusted look you give me when you think I'm not looking.

Aren't you ready to cleanse and build in the time we have left in this world? Neither of us know when our time is coming. I'm already tired, so when I close my eyes for the last time I want to go knowing that I gave every possible intention to honor my mother.

Until then,

Your daughter