Pas De Deux

Dear Mom,

I was wondering if you knew Pas De Deux by Tchaikovsky is one of my absolute favorite pieces. Sitting here listening to it brings back so many memories of you, me and my first child.

When I was young it was cool that you would let me borrow your CDs so that I could enjoy them on my own. The Nutcracker Suite, I honestly believe, I borrowed the most. The blends of string, brass, and woodwind moved me, while the percussion rung within my soul. It motivated me somehow in ways I have only recently discovered.

Before my first child was born, I read that playing classical music while pregnant can possibly increase a child's intellectual outlook on life.  I think I played Pas De Deux, at the very least, 500 times. Leaving it on repeat with headphones sitting comfortably on my stomach.

You don't know how much I wanted to make sure that my child was smart. Smarter than me - to be totally honest. I wanted my baby to be able to figure it out, while getting as much love as she could from me. You were so angry with my decision to have her, I don't think you honestly realize the responsibility I took on.

Now granted I was 15 and I wasn't truly ready for the bold chess move I made because I was young. However, I made a promise to myself that whatever happened my child would be better than me. Aborting her wasn't the answer. Are you still mad that I made that decision for myself? I get that I shouldn't have done what it took to have her, I didn't think that far in advance.However, it happened; and it came with consequences.

I'm sorry I "embarrassed you" by having a baby when I was young. Haven't I made up for it though. My life took that turn and I've gone through a lot. Most of it, without you. I made my choices, but I'm doing okay. I just wish you were around for it.

You won't admit it, but I know you better than you think. I just wait for you to open up. Maybe tell me some things about when you were young. Did you ever feel shunned by your mom at any point? The way you despised me during, and for many years after, my first pregnancy.  Have you ever felt rejected?

Until then,

Your daughter

Nutcracker Suite: In Full Score by Tchaikovsky, Peter Ilyich