Dear mom,
I could have died almost two weeks ago; at least that was what the doctors told me. While dad was really distraught about my condition, you didn't seem to care.
Maybe I am wrong about that. However, the only time you called while I was in the hospital was to see when I would be going home - so I could pick the kids up. It felt great knowing that my kidney was failing and you were upset to have your grandchildren for more than a couple days. Of course I'm being sarcastic.
Your disdain for me is absolutely frustrating. Although you play the civil role, as do I, when we are around one another; I can tell, if I never came around it wouldn't make any difference to you.
That's sad. I mean, really sad.
As my life flashed before my eyes while I was in ICU, one of the only things I thought about was if you were proud. I thought about if you would ever forgive me for all the things I did as a teen. Those same things that you still hold me accountable for at the age of 30. I wondered if you would ever stop being such a prude and just be my mom.
All I ever wanted was a mom. Each one of my friends, both male and female, have an awesome relationship with their mothers. My relationship continues to be broken. And it seems it will remain broken even after you or I passes on.
Knowing this is very disheartening. You would think after the massive cleanup of all my mistakes, being a modestly popular writer and having a brush with death, would be enough for you to behave better. I mean, come on, I'm not a kid anymore and there are only so many times I can apologize to you knowing it isn't enough.
Before I go, at the very least, I want you to know I love you. You may be the most evil woman I've ever met, but that doesn't mean that you are not my mom. I realized a long time ago I would have to accept your seemingly unfair ways. I wonder, will you ever accept who I am?
Until then,
Your daughter
