Friday, November 14, 2014
One thing I've noticed in my search of "finding myself" is I have been running from ALL my problems. I mean, I run so hard you would think I am preparing for a marathon. It's almost as if I believe that if I run long and hard enough the problems and fears will melt away. However, that is not the case.
In my constant marathon the issues seem to be right on my tail. And every time I slow down, they are hovering over my head mocking my every move. It's completely frustrating especially in trying to be a better person.
One of the problems I run from is the "beef" between me and you.
I figured if I became more understanding of you and your actions the issues would go away and alleviate themselves. I also assumed that if I played the "nice gal" in certain scenarios it would force you to look at me in a better light instead of this person you have to constantly be at odds with.
Instead it seems like ignoring the issues and concerns has caused them to grow at an alarming rate. Also, I have noticed that you take my kindness as weakness and seem to use it against me. You take things that are going on with me and subtly stab at who I am trying to be by using my past as a weapon.
It is truly agitating that no matter what, you will find a way to make me question myself and cause me to run some more. You're like the people that hold water out during a race; almost like you encourage me to run instead of stand and face the things that haunt me. I taunt myself, wondering if you like me better scared and running for my life.
To be honest, I try my best not to think about what you think of me. I try endlessly to push your perception of me out of my mind. I want to stop running but I am so concerned that you won't like or accept who I become in the end. And while I should totally not worry about what you think, I actually do, which sucks.
My marathon has to come to an end some time. My legs are tired and I am absolutely spent. All I want is to deal with the world head on and leave all my faults behind. Something inside of me would rather you stop assisting the run or leave me be. But I don't know if you're capable of either. Maybe one day.
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
I had a dream the night before last. Something had happened to my home so the kids and I came to stay with you and dad. You had kicked me out of the house because I didn't see your point of view about something dumb and wouldn't let me see my children. We saw each other in the street and you acted like I didn't exist. Dad would let me in the house when you weren't around to let me see the kids and spend time with them. I was planning a birthday party for one of the children and you walked in. You were furious but before anything could be said, I woke up.
When I awoke I prayed to Allah for strength. The dream shook me so much that I cried without wanting to. The tears flowed on their own and no matter how I tried to stop them, they wouldn't. It was super emotional.
The reason behind the emotion is this dream was actually a reality. Everything that happened within the dream didn't occur in real life but the main parts did. The kicking me out because I didn't agree with what was going on. The not letting me see my children for some time. The seeing me and pretending I didn't exist.
I had stuffed all of this down in my mind never for it to see the light of day. It's one of the worst things that has ever happened to me and the effects of the situation managed to make their way into my world. It had the ability to completely ruin my yesterday but I wouldn't let it.
You know what I did? Even though I felt like my world had shattered all over again, I realized I couldn't allow this painful memory to effect me the way that it did when it happened. I can't afford to be completely depressed and unable to get out of bed especially in front of my children. I can't afford to question all the mistakes I'd ever made and torture myself as if I was worthless especially knowing that I'm worth so much more.
The one thing that gets me is the betrayal I felt from you. In knowing that we still are not at a level of understanding, I think this is what ultimately saddened me. This dream that was once reality needs to be talked about between us either willingly or forcibly with a professional. I want to talk about it but will you ever discuss it with me?
Sunday, October 26, 2014
It pained me to find out that I am the only one that does not have keys to the new house. The fact that I didn't know where you guys lived when you first moved 2 years ago saddened me a lot. But I knew at the time you were being seriously hurtful. Now that I actually know and visit at least once every couple weeks, it was a shocker about the keys.
It's really funny, and I mean ironic not hilarious, that my two sisters both have a key. They don't even live in the city, let alone the state. What if something happens? I'm the only one here in the city and I wouldn't even be able to do anything.
The thing that gets me most is that I truly thought we had gotten to a point of understanding and healing in our relationship. Maybe that was just me. Maybe I am so willing to heal old wounds that I chose to not realize that you still have a serious problem with me - your own daughter.
We haven't always gotten along and I get that. However, I still trust you with my home in case something was to happen. I still overlook all the things I feel negatively and try to understand you in order to have a relationship. Neither of us knows how much time we have on this earth, yet you continue to manage to be petty.
I have no idea why it bothers me so much. Honestly, I'm not ever shocked by your antics. I guess it's just that I REALLY thought we were getting somewhere in our damaged relationship. Apparently not. Maybe that will change one day.
Friday, September 19, 2014
It's been a while since I last wrote you. Mostly due to not knowing what to say. The last few months have been stressful for all of us, so I figured I would take a break.
You've been dealing with so much. Dad got sick and then I got sick. It was enough to break you. But as usual you kept your cool and made it seem as though everything was okay.
I guess I envy the way you can make a trying time seem simple. Nothing ever seems to shake you while I always feel like I'm losing my mind. You never grimace and always smile in the face of adversity.
Maybe that's where I get my "never let them see you sweat" mentality. Although I'm not as good at it as you. Probably because you've had years of practice.
I know one thing, after such a year of ups and downs you never faltered. I can only wish I could operate the same. You keep your faith strong and I am trying desperately to do the same.
Since things don't shake you as much and you approach it all with a smile, I have begun to admire you more. I just hope one day you'll tell me your secret so that I can be so sure.
Monday, October 28, 2013
What you did was wrong. Seriously. I honestly can't believe that you would do something like that.
When I brought the book that dad had paid for and asked specifically for me to sign it, he looked so proud. It made me smile that I could give him that kind of feeling. But of course you messed that all up with your selfishness.
When I asked you did you want a book, you were nonchalant about it, saying, "Oh, I can just read the one dad gets." So I took it as such.
As soon as my first book arrived I wrote inside, 'To Dad. I love you. Thank you for supporting me all these years. I hope you are proud." I signed it, with love. But for you to then want me to put your name inside of it was just beyond what you do.
You haven't supported my dreams of being a writer. You've done nothing but tell me how I probably wouldn't make it.
I tried to ignore you insisting that your name be in my book, that dad bought. I changed the subject and everything. Dad put it up, hoping you would forget too. But you didn't. Before I got a chance to leave you forced the pen in my hand and wouldn't let me go until I put Mom inside.
I wanted to tell you about yourself right then and there but I didn't want dad to have to deal with your attitude once I left.
Did you even notice the look on dad's face? Did you even care how he felt? Did you care that I wasn't willing to add your name? Nope, you just wanted what you wanted and could have cared less what the rest of us thought or how we felt. As you do.
What was the point, Mom? so you could bra about how you always were there for me. Please. You've done the most damage to me, but you never see it that way.
It's okay though, because I'm going to give daddy another book that is just for him, signed just to him, as it should have been.
One day you will see your error. Oh, I hope.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
So, I finally published my first book. But you already knew that. It didn't seem like you were too impressed with my accomplishment. It seemed like you were more appalled with the subject matter.
I know that you always taught me and my sisters to never tell our business and that no one should know what goes on behind closed doors. However, it was so freeing for me to be able to share such a personal part of myself with the world. And it could quite possibly help someone else.
Dad was excited and I expected the same from you. But when you showed no concern to my wonderful news, I wasn't surprised at all. I guess I would have been more shocked if you actually said or acted like you were proud. How could I possibly expect you to step outside of your normal non-caring facial expressions?
Somewhere inside me, though, I really was hoping you would have something nice to say. I was silently hoping you would finally shed the disdain you have for me. I don't know what it will take for that to happen, but I was anticipating that this would be a start.
It rather sucks but I have to be honest with myself that this is you. When it comes to me, you show no emotion to the things I do. It's always odd and amazing how you brag to me about my sisters' accomplishments but I don't even get a "good for you" when I do things.
Do you know how it feels to put your best efforts forward and have a parent totally disregard what you do? Maybe you'll explain it to me one day.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
I could have died almost two weeks ago; at least that was what the doctors told me. While dad was really distraught about my condition, you didn't seem to care.
Maybe I am wrong about that. However, the only time you called while I was in the hospital was to see when I would be going home - so I could pick the kids up. It felt great knowing that my kidney was failing and you were upset to have your grandchildren for more than a couple days. Of course I'm being sarcastic.
Your disdain for me is absolutely frustrating. Although you play the civil role, as do I, when we are around one another; I can tell, if I never came around it wouldn't make any difference to you.
That's sad. I mean, really sad.
As my life flashed before my eyes while I was in ICU, one of the only things I thought about was if you were proud. I thought about if you would ever forgive me for all the things I did as a teen. Those same things that you still hold me accountable for at the age of 30. I wondered if you would ever stop being such a prude and just be my mom.
All I ever wanted was a mom. Each one of my friends, both male and female, have an awesome relationship with their mothers. My relationship continues to be broken. And it seems it will remain broken even after you or I passes on.
Knowing this is very disheartening. You would think after the massive cleanup of all my mistakes, being a modestly popular writer and having a brush with death, would be enough for you to behave better. I mean, come on, I'm not a kid anymore and there are only so many times I can apologize to you knowing it isn't enough.
Before I go, at the very least, I want you to know I love you. You may be the most evil woman I've ever met, but that doesn't mean that you are not my mom. I realized a long time ago I would have to accept your seemingly unfair ways. I wonder, will you ever accept who I am?