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Friday, November 14, 2014

Running a Marathon

Dear Mom,

One thing I've noticed in my search of "finding myself" is I have been running from ALL my problems. I mean, I run so hard you would think I am preparing for a marathon. It's almost as if I believe that if I run long and hard enough the problems and fears will melt away. However, that is not the case.

In my constant marathon the issues seem to be right on my tail. And every time I slow down, they are hovering over my head mocking my every move. It's completely frustrating especially in trying to be a better person.

One of the problems I run from is the "beef" between me and you.

I figured if I became more understanding of you and your actions the issues would go away and alleviate themselves. I also assumed that if I played the "nice gal" in certain scenarios it would force you to look at me in a better light instead of this person you have to constantly be at odds with.

Instead it seems like ignoring the issues and concerns has caused them to grow at an alarming rate. Also, I have noticed that you take my kindness as weakness and seem to use it against me. You take things that are going on with me and subtly stab at who I am trying to be by using my past as a weapon.

It is truly agitating that no matter what, you will find a way to make me question myself and cause me to run some more. You're like the people that hold water out during a race; almost like you encourage me to run instead of stand and face the things that haunt me. I taunt myself, wondering if you like me better scared and running for my life.

To be honest, I try my best not to think about what you think of me. I try endlessly to push your perception of me out of my mind. I want to stop running but I am so concerned that you won't like or accept who I become in the end. And while I should totally not worry about what you think, I actually do, which sucks.

My marathon has to come to an end some time. My legs are tired and I am absolutely spent. All I want is to deal with the world head on and leave all my faults behind. Something inside of me would rather you stop assisting the run or leave me be. But I don't know if you're capable of either. Maybe one day.

Until then,

Your daughter

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