Saturday, June 29, 2013

Missing Pieces

Dear Mom,

You know that I love working on puzzles. They're a great way for me to relax and focus. But you already knew that, huh? Is that the reason you liked to do all sorts of puzzles when I was growing up. Did it allow you to get away from the day's work?

Jigsaw puzzles seemed to be your favorite. And when we would go on vacations, you would always have your Variety book full of word puzzles. As you got older, I noticed, that Soduko became your puzzle of choice, along with Mahjong. You loved to do puzzles, didn't you?

I guess that's why I am into puzzles so much. I mean, I did try to mimic you in certain ways. Quietly hoping you would notice the little similarities as I would do the same types of puzzles. Word games are my thing though, crosswords and such.

We do, however, both like jigsaw puzzles. One thousand pieces and above, right? I know. It amazed me when dad let me have a few of your old puzzles to put together that were stored in the basement of the new house. There are so many of them, I didn't know which to choose.

Funny thing is, I have put two out of the three puzzles that he let me pick out. Each one has a piece missing. Not a bunch of pieces in a space or scattered throughout. Just one single piece was missing. It kind of bugged me a little. I started to put together the third puzzle but I got really frustrated and took it apart.

It's rare that I dismantle a puzzle before its completion without trying to retry at my efforts. For whatever reason, the box just sits on the table, awaiting me to try again. Truthfully I don't know if I will. Maybe it's because I'm afraid there will be yet another piece missing.

It pains me that as much as I love to put puzzles together, this time it's hard for me to be up to the challenge. I know it has more to do with the fact that these puzzles belonged to you.

It's not because there is just a piece missing. The New York puzzle I bought was missing an entire corner and it didn't bug me the same way. I mean, it irked me a little but that was because I don't like leaving puzzle incomplete.

I am honestly afraid that I will never be able to put one of your puzzle together completely. Maybe the pieces went missing during your move to the new house. Who knows? But until I finally find all the pieces to at least one of your puzzle, I don't think I will find the same joy in putting any puzzle together; whether it be yours or not.

It's so ironic how you still have a way of effecting me even though we aren't around one another. No matter how much I try to shake you from my system, your rules and your ways creep into my existence. Sometimes I don't know whether to be annoyed or just go with it. You are my mother - by birth at least.

One of these days I'll get back to the puzzle and maybe it will become a beautiful picture of a flowered pathway by a pond - with no missing pieces.

Until then,

Your daughter

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