Before I Go

Dear mom,

I could have died almost two weeks ago; at least that was what the doctors told me. While dad was really distraught about my condition, you didn't seem to care.

Maybe I am wrong about that. However, the only time you called while I was in the hospital was to see when I would be going home - so I could pick the kids up. It felt great knowing that my kidney was failing and you were upset to have your grandchildren for more than a couple days. Of course I'm being sarcastic.

Your disdain for me is absolutely frustrating. Although you play the civil role, as do I, when we are around one another; I can tell, if I never came around it wouldn't make any difference to you.

That's sad. I mean, really sad.

As my life flashed before my eyes while I was in ICU, one of the only things I thought about was if you were proud. I thought about if you would ever forgive me for all the things I did as a teen. Those same things that you still hold me accountable for at the age of 30. I wondered if you would ever stop being such a prude and just be my mom.

All I ever wanted was a mom. Each one of my friends, both male and female, have an awesome relationship with their mothers. My relationship continues to be broken. And it seems it will remain broken even after you or I passes on.

Knowing this is very disheartening. You would think after the massive cleanup of all my mistakes, being a modestly popular writer and having a brush with death, would be enough for you to behave better. I mean, come on, I'm not a kid anymore and there are only so many times I can apologize to you knowing it isn't enough.

Before I go, at the very least, I want you to know I love you. You may be the most evil woman I've ever met, but that doesn't mean that you are not my mom. I realized a long time ago I would have to accept your seemingly unfair ways. I wonder, will you ever accept who I am?

Until then,

Your daughter

Memoir Material

Dear Mom,

It's a new year which always means new possibilities for even the least goal oriented individual. For me, it means so many new ideas that I can try out.

The other day, a reader suggested that I write a memoir after seeing the content of my letters. I had never thought about it before because, of course, I've never written one. Besides that, I'm not even sure how a memoir is put together. What do you think?

I already know that these letters may or may not rub you the wrong way. If I were to place the feelings that I   have in a book, would that make you even more disappointed in me? Or would you pretend it doesn't exist as you do my letters?

For the record, these letters that I spend so much time writing have given me so much clarity. They have allowed me, thus far, to let go of anger that has been bottled up for so many years. It gives me a voice again, considering you took my voice long ago. Well, not exactly took it, but you smothered it to the point I have to dig for it when I want to really be heard by others.

All of the things I do, especially expressing my feelings for you, is to help me become better. A better mother. A better significant other. A better writer. Most importantly, a better woman. I see myself so much differently than before I started this.

I have been thinking deeply about the memoir idea and will let you know if I decide to go ahead with it. I would love your opinion on it regardless that I know you may not be too happy about it.

Until then,

Your daughter