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Thursday, May 3, 2012

Just Like You

Dear mom,

There's a friend I saw recently.  Me and her became close as adults and when she found out that you, her favorite music teacher, was my mother it rather solidified our friendship. She said to me that I look exactly like you.

Always have resembled you, haven't I? Folks used to tell me so all the time growing up. I hated it. It's an honor for a daughter to look so similar to the woman who gave birth to her. Especially when it comes to you.

All of your students loved you. As a child, we couldn't go anywhere without someone recognizing you. Whether it was in our own hometown, on vacation, on tour there was always someone who knew you as a great teacher. People spoke so highly of you. They still do to be honest.

See, however, I know who you are outside of your educational and musical status. Looking like you was the worst thing considering we had the biggest issue with one another.

When I look in the mirror I see me but I also see you. I'll deny it to anyone else but I cannot deny it to myself. And there is something else I cannot deny.

I am just like you.

Not only do I have your beautiful eyes and killer smile, I am strong, just like you. I am an intellectual force, just like you. My fingers have played and my voice has sung some of the sweetest melodies, just like you. I can hypnotize a room with my wit and charm, just like you.

And just like you, I can make people love or hate me with just words said in the most eloquent of ways. But just like you, I would much rather them love me. I have a need to control situations to my comfortability and what do ya know. You do too.

I feel I have so many secrets people can use against me and I have come to the realization that you feel you do too. I fight with myself to allow anyone to know the real me. It scares me and I know it scares you too.

The difference between us is I try to heal and deal with things while you mark it off in your brain as not even happening. You know, conveniently forgetting about things we know were wrong is a trait we share. Pushing away people who genuinely care about us is something we are good at too.

When I look in the mirror it pains me to know and see how much we are alike. I am proud of who you are professionally but I despise being your daughter. I feel if I was one of your non relative students I could appreciate your accomplishments so much more than I already do.

To not know the other side of you would be quite pleasant seeing that you are an influential person. As I make my plans and push at being a writer I hope I become as influential as you, if not more so. However, I pray none of my children feel the way I feel about you.

To love and hate someone is the hardest feeling, especially when it's family. I guess I am just like you in that right too. We love and hate each other. I just wish I knew why. I really would like to get to the bottom of it. One day, maybe, we will sit down and talk about it.

Until then,

Your daughter