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Tuesday, April 17, 2012

The Beginning

Dear mom,

Honestly, I have been back and forth about us. What our relationship really is. How we truthfully see each other. Where our loyalties lie. When things just went wrong. Who is the one to blame.

To be a total adult about it, I think we are both to blame. It hangs on both our shoulders, however this was noticed by me long ago. I saw the amount of unnecessary hatred that spew between us, forcing those around us to take cover. It was venomous and very unhealthy.

The events of the last few months have compelled me. If I cannot talk to you without blatant disrespect flowing from my lungs, I can only write to you. This way I can tame my tongue and let my words reach out to you. I can tweak and edit if I become reprehensible.

Knowing you, this will only fuel the way you feel about me. Knowing you, the thought of saying what I really think out loud, so I can be held accountable for what you will not forgive me for, will only anger you.

Honor thy mother and father. I want to be your daughter. I want to take care of you as you age. I want to show you the great person I become by what you've taught me. However, the hatred that emits from you makes it hard for me to do what is supposed to be done.

In truly showing respect, I have chosen to stop trying to communicate verbally with you. All it does it cause frustration and arguments. Nothing gets accomplished this way. So maybe if I just tell you how I feel and allow you to read instead of hear, you will take my feelings more seriously. At least this is my hope.

My real hope is by writing out what I think or feel will allow other young women to maybe regain a connection with their mothers. Maybe something I say will mimic their emotions and will cause the lines of communication to be opened for others who battle like we do. Maybe a mother/daughter relationship can be saved if ours cannot.

I can only pray that one day you'll read and comprehend but if not someone will gain from our tragedy.

Love,
Your daughter